A New Perspective on Healing
by Tim McKinney Courtesy of Precious Testimonies
First allow me to tell you that I love the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart!
I grew up in a very religious home. I have followed the Lord for most of my life. I guess my testimony would begin when I was nine years old. In 1988 at the age of nine I had my first hernia surgery to fix a tear in the left portion of my abdomen.
I had a pretty hard recovery, but I thought after it was done that I would never have to deal with this type of thing again. Boy was I wrong. In 1989, at the age of ten, I had to have the right side repaired. Then in 1990 at the age of eleven I had to have the left repaired again – this time with mesh.
Again in 1992 I had to have the right repaired again, and mesh added to that side as well. During this same time, I had to have surgery on the left side to repair the scars from before. As you could imagine this was very painful.
During the period from 1988 to 1993 I missed a lot of school. When I did go to school the other kids would make fun of me because I was at school so little. I was called many things, and even treated harshly by my teachers. Some were worse than others, and some were there for me. This was a very hard time and dealing with these issues at a young age was hard on me in many ways.
Around 1991, at twelve years old – because of all the depressions of school and the surgeries – I became a self-cutter. The scientific word for it is Self-Harm. However – to people who have had to deal with this disorder we just call it what it is: Cutting.
Some people do cutting because they are depressed; others do it to feel alive; and some for both. That is where I fall into the mix. I did it to help both problems. Most cutters are not suicidal. I would say maybe 10% are. However, this disorder can lead to other disorders and sometimes leads to suicide.
Mine lead to other disorders, which at the time I did not know I had. I will tell you more about those in a moment. I lived my life like any other teenager, except I would cut myself when times would get rough.
In 1995, at the age of sixteen, I dropped out of school and began trying my hand at acting. I loved acting and producing my own shows and films. It was my way of getting away from the pressures of life. However, I would still have the feelings that I had to cut myself.
During this time, I also got to a point where I did not want to leave my home for any reason. I would come up with all sorts of reasons not to leave home. I also began to have trouble being in crowds and groups of people. I just thought it was because I was crazy and did not need to anyway.
I tried to work at jobs over the years and had a lot of troubles doing so. In 2001, Julie and I began to date. In February 2002, I was involved in a severe auto accident. I was in the back driver’s side seat when we were rear ended by a car that was traveling at 55 mph at impact.
I sustained multiple back injuries. I have at the present time herniated discs from the T-7 all the way to T-9. I was unable to walk far for many months after. It was not until a few months later that I found out that I had very severe injuries. After an MRI I found out that a couple of my discs are pressing on my spinal cord and column.
This disorder makes me have to walk with a cane most of the time. I have a hard time holding myself up with my legs and have severe back and hip pain. Julie and I married that same year. Even with these injuries I still tried to work a job. I worked in the security industry for about five years.
In 2009, I was no longer able to handle daily life. I would cry out of nowhere and get very angry for no reason. I would yell at my wife and my family. I would yell and cuss out people I did not even know. This went on for about a year, until I said, ‘Enough is enough.’
In 2010, I went to our local community mental health and asked for help. I went through all of the usual doctor stuff and talking about what was going on in my life. It was a God send to have them to talk to. I was finally able to know what my problems were. I was diagnosed with a few problems:
- I had the self-harm disorder as I already knew.
- I have Anxiety and social disorders.
- I have Agoraphobia which is the fear of crowds and groups.
- Severe Depression.
All of this on top of the accident injuries. Now as you may imagine I have a lot to deal and live with. I had reached a point after knowing all of this where I did not want to live with it all. I had become suicidal and wanted it to all just end. I thought about taking my own life many times.
However – one day I remembered the love I read about from the bible. The love of our Lord Jesus Christ. I then decided to just give all my pains, disorders and other problems to Jesus.
I told Him: ‘Lord – I cannot make these things go away, but You can. I would keep talking to the Lord and telling myself it would get better. Then one day the Lord spoke to me as clear as anything. He told me that He would heal me and make a witness of me.
Now you can guess that I assumed He was going to heal me completely to where I had no problems any more. However, the Lord spoke to me again, as He can only do.
He told me, ‘Timothy – healing does not always come as a brand-new day or a brand-new life. Healing comes as strength – the strength to deal with all that causes you pain. Strength to get up every day and live the life I have given you. Strength to hold your head up high and to praise your Lord. Healing sometimes comes as a new look on the life you already have.
My eyes were opened, and my heart overwhelmed with grace. God had given me something greater than complete healing. He has given me strength through his love and grace.
The Lord also told me, ‘I have given you strength to tell others of your strength. To help other people who may not know that God heals in many ways. That seeking the face of God can make people have a new view of their lives.’
I sit here today writing this testimony still having to use a cane. Still having the urge to cut and to not be around people. However, I have a new look at these disorders and problems in my life. I believe God will use these things in my life to help others.
Help people who maybe going through what I have already overcome. I believe we are placed upon this earth to first praise our Lord. However, we are also supposed to help others in His name. In-so-doing, we are clearly demonstrating our love … loving our neighbors as ourselves.
The bible says if we do not ask, we cannot receive. It took a lot in my life to ask, but I finally did, and God answered me. God took my seeking heart, and gave to me. He gave me strength for the challenges in my life.
I believe with all my heart that if God never gave us anything ever again ‘ we would deserve it. He already gave the world Salvation through his Son Jesus Christ, yet many choose not to accept it.
They will then say, ‘Where is God? Why does He not care? He does. He gave us His all by dying for us, and He continues to give us strength in our weaknesses.
And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness’. Therefore, most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NKJV)
God has called my wife and I to minister hope, encouragement, and healing to others. We can be contacted through: http://www.timandjulie.org/